The ultimate betrayal.

Affairs have existed since marriage was invented. It has never been so easy to stray, nor has it ever been so challenging to keep a secret in the world we live in today. We now dwell in an age where we can pursue our desires. How do we restore trust when one of the big universal taboos so commonly practiced is misunderstood? How do we define it? Is it a love story, an act of tryst out of boredom, sexting, watching porn, or the happy ending after a massage for a man or a woman?

Why it happens

Men tend to look outside due to boredom or fear of intimacy, and women look out due to loneliness and are hungry for intimacy and to be desired. The blame is often pointed to the partner who strayed, but I question many of my clients and ask them what non-human affair or sexual substitute they turned to, contributing to their partner looking outside. 

For centuries women have been pressured to hide and deny themselves pleasure. More often nowadays, women, young and old, are having affairs. This terrifies the patriarchal male and is a sign of the rising power of the feminine. Nothing will drop a man to his knees and be the death of his ego if his woman leaves him for another man due to his lack of sexual desire for her. She becomes bigger than her man, and it’s out of balance, and she searches for a solid masculine to fill her. The search for our lost self and who we have become ultimately causes our gaze to wander and not so much the person we pursue.

The empowered woman who awakens and discovers her sexuality becomes wild, free, and passionate. She needs a male who is energetically larger than her. It won’t work if he isn’t. She will never feel satisfied.

Likewise, if she doesn’t understand her primal life-force energy, she will attract the shadow of a male, and her sexual energy will exhaust her as her expression becomes externalized. She loses her power and aches for the love she gives away. 

An affair can come out of the blue, like a lightning bolt deep into the heart, swiftly knocking at the door with intensity. It promises relief from aloneness and satisfies the urge for fulfillment. 

 With little sleep or appetite, feelings gain momentum, and so does the secret. The couple often becomes more daring as their forbidden lust for each other grows to new levels. 

Then agony arrives. The fantasy and hope for what could be are shattered. Reality comes like a smack in the face. People part ways. Rarely does the affair blossom into a love story without the smudge of darkness shadowing a bright future.

Is it the worst thing to happen to a couple, or can it be the beginning of a new relationship with the same person? There is nothing like a scorned woman fuelled by jealousy that can ignite sexual alchemy for her man.

To tell or not to tell.

When people say they want to know the truth, are they truly ready to hear? You revealing your indiscretions even to friends may trigger judgment, abuse, or rage. 

Recovering and moving forward.

Nothing heals a broken heart like time can. Trust that as the weeks, months, and years unfold, you will become wiser from your experience, which felt like a sword piercing your heart.

Don’t keep up the connection once you have said goodbye. Honestly, how many “I miss you, and you were the best thing that happened to me” do you need to say. Resist catching up, even as ‘just friends.’ It’s not worth the pain of another goodbye.

Block their number, and remove all the messages and voicemails from your phone.  

Spend time with quality friends who leave judgment at the door and embrace compassion and understanding.

Remind yourself of the valuable lessons learned and move forward without resentment. In time, trust that you will attract the right person into your life, and the ideal relationship will emerge out in the open, not behind closed doors.