Why it eats away at our soul and what to do about it.

When we begin our life with our significant other, we have the best intentions that the relationship is going to last forever. We do everything in our power to hold on to the person we have chosen and often we turn a blind eye when intimacy becomes bland. Besides, we share our dreams, our hopes and our fears. 

We settle into the relationship and gradually over time we are afraid to admit to ourself that something is wrong. We feel alone and crave for is physical intimacy despite being in a relationship. Nothing is lonelier than sharing a bed with a partner and feeling like you are a million miles from them physically and emotionally. It often starts small, goes unaddressed and builds into weeks, then months can turn into years and distractions begin as a means to survive. Lack of intimacy is a complex and serious issue for couples.  Alcohol, drugs, trauma, power struggles, weight issues, grief, lack of purpose and lack of alignment in values, antidepressants and lack of imagination and laziness all contribute to this situation. For some, a lack of sexual stirring isn’t a big deal and it’s easy to go months and sometimes years without intimacy.  But what’s the cost of tiptoeing around this hot topic? 

Why is the delicious thoughts of sex or loving touch so good for us and why do some people desire it more than others.  Firstly, I want to say that it is completely normal to have times of more desire and at time less. Then there are contributing factors like medication, stress, pregnancy, menopause, unrealistic expectations and traumatic experiences. Having a healthy sex life and finding time to communicate delicately and honestly with your partner is so important. 

Firstly, tell yourself what you need and then tell your partner how you want to be supported. Be brave and discuss what you love, what you don’t, why, and what can you bring in more of.  Chat about what you secretly desire and those exciting fantasies.  What’s happening or not happening outside the bedroom to cause you to not be in the mood.  Women yearn for appreciation and to be adored, while men love being worshipped and respected. Understanding and honouring your feminine and masculine aspect is the key to finding the winding road back to desire.  

Find fun and adventure outside the bedroom.  Spend time in nature away from others. Go on a hike together, go back to the things you used to love doing together.  Laughter truly is the best medicine.  Trust that only you will know what is best for you and your partner after you have exhausted thoroughly all the communication, therapy, books and discussions, not what your best friend’s relationship looks like.  

Developing space and your own interests is a key component for creating desire and reducing an entangled relationship. It’s addressing the big topics which scares couples the most. Sometimes the winter is dark and bleak and we live in hope that the spring will bring the awakening and aliveness we long for. If you are reading this, know that deep down you know the answer to whether this is the dark night of your soul and it will pass or it’s truly time to part ways.