In the world of self-help and social media, we’re flooded with people “keeping it real.” From life coaches to influencers, we see vulnerability paraded as the ultimate sign of authenticity. But as a psychotherapist, I’ve come to realise that much of what’s presented as “authentic” is actually fake authenticity—a polished, ego-driven performance masquerading as rawness. It’s a well-crafted illusion, designed to elicit admiration and grow followers, not real connection.
I’m lucky enough not to encounter this in my therapy practice or my personal circle. My clients come to therapy seeking growth, facing their vulnerabilities and fears in ways that are truly raw and unfiltered. My friends are just as real, showing up as they are without the pressure to “perform” or package their experiences. But step into social media or personal development spaces, and you’ll see fake authenticity thriving like never before. It’s all over the place—people bending their truths to look relatable, authentic, and deep, while never truly diving beneath the surface.
So, what exactly is fake authenticity? It’s vulnerability used as a tool to boost the ego. It’s that influencer who shares their “deepest” struggle in a vulnerable post, but by the end, they’ve seamlessly woven in a plug for their online course. It’s the self-help guru who seems to be baring their soul, only to reveal that their emotional “realness” is just a clever strategy for attracting more clients. It’s vulnerability without substance—a manufactured moment of “rawness” that serves the greater purpose of personal branding and status.
How to Spot Fake Authenticity
The tricky part is that fake authenticity often feels real at first glance. But if you look closer, you’ll start to notice the cracks—the telltale signs that it’s more about ego than connection. Here are some red flags to watch for:
- The Perfectly Curated “Raw” Moment:
When vulnerability feels too perfect or too “on-brand,” it’s a red flag. True vulnerability is messy, uncomfortable, and unpolished. If someone’s struggle looks too much like a perfectly executed performance, it’s likely designed for consumption. - The Subtle Self-Promotion:
Look for the quick segue into a product, service, or brand. Fake authenticity often ends with a pitch: “Here’s how I overcame this, and now you can too—just buy my book/course/guide.” Real vulnerability doesn’t require a sales pitch to be meaningful. - The Ego Overload:
Fake authenticity thrives on praise. Notice if someone constantly seeks validation for their struggles, or if their vulnerability is followed by calls for admiration. True authenticity doesn’t demand recognition—it simply exists. - The Need to Be Seen:
Fake authenticity needs an audience. If someone is consistently posting their “raw” moments for likes and shares, there’s a good chance their vulnerability is more about building a personal brand than about creating real connection.
How to Deal with Ego-Driven People in Your Life
Whether it’s in your family, workplace, or social circles, dealing with fake authenticity can be so draining. These ego-driven individuals often thrive on your attention and validation. Here’s a few of my tips to handle it:
- Recognise the Ego Play:
It’s important to remember that these performances are driven by insecurity. The people behind fake authenticity are often seeking external validation to fill an internal void. By understanding this, you can stop feeding into their need for admiration and keep your energy grounded in what’s real. - Set Boundaries:
If someone’s vulnerability feels more like a show than a real connection, it’s okay to set boundaries. You don’t have to engage in their act or offer praise when it’s not deserved. Politely steer the conversation away from their self-promotion, or simply disengage if it feels off. - Lead with True Vulnerability:
The best way to counter fake authenticity is to lead by example. Be real, but don’t feel the need to perform. Share your struggles and your growth without seeking applause. True vulnerability doesn’t need an audience to be meaningful; it’s about embracing your own truth, flaws and all. - Don’t Fall for the Comparison Trap:
Fake authenticity thrives on comparison. When we see others portraying “perfect” vulnerability, it can make us feel like we’re unsuccessful in our own journeys. Remember: real authenticity isn’t about being perfect or having it all together—it’s about being genuine, without needing to be seen or validated.
Fake authenticity is a performance that feeds the ego, not the soul. It thrives on labels, (more to come on labels in my next blog), attention, and admiration but never really cultivates growth. True psychological and spiritual growth comes from showing up just as you are—not from crafting a performance that seeks external validation. So, the next time you encounter someone selling their “raw” truths, remember: authenticity doesn’t need to be curated. Realness speaks for itself, without the need for applause.
Trust me, you will feel it.