People rarely marry only a person.

They also meet that person’s family system.

Their loyalties. Their losses. Their exclusions. Their unfinished attachments. The things that were spoken about and, often more powerfully, the things that were never spoken about at all.

This is one of the most profound things we see in Family Systems work.

Two people can love each other deeply and still become caught in dynamics that seem completely irrational.

One feels abandoned when the other withdraws.

One feels trapped when the other comes too close.

One becomes responsible for everything.

The other disappears emotionally.

Very quickly, the problem appears to be about the relationship.

But often it began long before the relationship existed.

A man may carry a deep loyalty to his mother and struggle to give his partner first place.

A woman who grew up emotionally looking after a parent may find herself doing exactly the same thing with her husband.

Someone whose father disappeared may become intensely sensitive to distance.

Then two people meet.

And their histories meet too.

A relationship can become the stage on which two childhood survival strategies meet. Each person unknowingly touches something unfinished in the other.

Sometimes what hurts most in a relationship is not what has just happened, but what it reminds us of.

And sometimes we find ourselves asking a partner to repair something they never broke.

This week I had the privilege of witnessing couples return back to love through a powerful process I take every couple through when they come to see me. Couples are often surprised by how different they feel when they leave the room compared with how they felt walking in.

I have heard too many times from couples who have previously left therapy feeling judged, ridiculed or even more disconnected than when they arrived. Relationship work should not leave two people feeling more alone. It should help them understand what is really happening underneath the conflict and find their way back to each other if that is what’s meant to be. 

Family Systems work looks underneath the behaviour and asks deeper questions:

Who are you still loyal to?

Whose pain are you trying to repair?

Who are you still waiting for?

And what are you asking your partner to give you that actually belongs much earlier in your story?

Your partner is not your mother or your father.

They are not here to repair your childhood.

A mature relationship begins when two people can stand beside each other as adults, taking responsibility for what belongs to them.

Because when we love someone, we inevitably meet their family system too.

The relationship changes when we stop asking each other to carry what came before us.

Have a beautiful weekend. If you’re in a relationship, get curious about the family your partner came from. Sometimes the moment we understand the story behind the person, we stop taking so much of their behaviour personally. xx